Monday, February 16, 2009

Quiet Moments

For the past two nights I have taken a few moments, after Sugar Mama and the Nugget are asleep, and the house is quiet to reflect. It is remarkably easy, day after day, for the: responsibilities, to-do lists, laundry, bills, trials, grief, tribulations, heartache, seclusion, etc., to stack higher and higher until the light is dim and distance. I have had two of those days.

Let me be clear, in case you do not know me personally. At 7 I stepped out of a pew and began my walk with Christ. YES - it was early. YES- I skirted the issue as I got older. BUT, on this day know that when this life ends I have the promise of tomorrow. Likewise, recently life has gotten the better of me. Nothing tragic, profound, or life changing... just weighted. My spirit feels weak and tired, and my walk with Christ has suffered. My desire to seek out GOD's word, freedom in the spirit, and fellowship have fizzled. And yet, GOD seeks me still.

Kristin has turned me into a blog fanatic. I am both fascinated and envious of women all of the world who are strong enough to share their lives, some at their lowest most vulnerable points, with perfect strangers. In these blogs true grace is found. Kelly has shared her assurance in GOD's healing of her daughter, whether here on this earth or in his arms, and her faith was rewarded with a beautiful daughter. And then last night I spent hours pouring over the story of a woman named Angie. If you have missed her story check her out here. WARNING: This blog may cause you to - scoop up your own children from their warm slumber to simply memorize their smell, hit your knees in prayer and join the journey with the father, or simply raise your hands in praise and thankfulness for healthy children. Either way you will be touched. Angie and Audrey's story is amazing. Proof that a mother's love knows no bounds, and the Father's love is ever binding.

When I was pregnant with Sugar Mama, I had contractions early on, about 16 weeks. After consulting my regular physician and specialist I was given my options and a bleak outlook. My pro activity would include sewing up my cervix, which would inevitably lead to pre-term labor and "The fetus would not be viable".. a.k.a... My baby wouldn't live. The hubs and I discussed and we decided to wait. This scary situation went on for weeks... Each time I saw a doctor they repeated what they had already told me... often threatening to take it out of my hands and do the cerclage anyways, but MY GOD always delivered... each time they had made up their minds, they pre-exam showed a cervix too long to sew up and they would send me home... they were baffled. I was angry and scared and felt betrayed by my body. As a woman and a mother I felt it was my job to protect my baby and instead I was a by stander.. a vessel if you will, carrying precious cargo, but in the end it was never really mine.. GOD was lending it to me. GOD created this body and he protected it during the process... I never had a cerclage and from the pictures you know she is a healthy beautiful girl and this is the shortest version EVER of this story. This world offers nothing short of heartache, but in that midst GOD waits for us...

During these rough two days, I have thought of that time... that testimony should be fresh, distinctive in my mind, but it took reading Angie's blog to refresh those memories, smells, raw emotions and I feel stripped as I share this with you.. I have often felt there is no other time in this world like the time you lay your worries and fears at the feet of the Father, for when you open your eyes, push your self up, and face the world that specific moment of peace is gone... I vow to keep those moments closer together... to lie more of my problems at the feet of the father, that my light at the end of my tunnel gets bigger and brighter...... I hope you enjoy Angie's blog and that if Jesus is your light, he's brighter in the days that come... and if he is NOT that something said here, or in Angie's blog touches you deep, to the core....

Thank you father for all I take for granted, a wonderful hard working husband, a warm place to rest my head, bread of life, and healthy children... And may you bless EACH and EVERY one who reads this, that they may receive your blessings in abundance and a hedge of protection...

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