Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The Weight of the World

Do you ever have moments in your life where you feel like you want to change the world? I think I have mentioned this before, but often I feel like my life should be dedicated to changing the world... How I would do that I still do not know.

I have also mentioned before Angie Smiths blog and her struggles over the past year. In an ironic and completely unrelated twist, my niece was born on Audrey's first birthday. I mention it because I look on that day and re-live the absolute joy the Twin felt over M & M's birth and cannot comprehend the grief and devastation that haunted a hospital room just a year before, in a different time, different place, perhaps a different life. She is in India right now with an organization that she partnered with after Audrey and through her story the organization is reaching more than before and children's lives are being changed... the world is being changed, one sponsorship at a time.

I don't know if changing the world, for me at least, involves anything outside of my state. But I think about it often and pray the Lord shows me when the time is right... for now the Hubs says "Christina you are changing the world... the worlds of Sugar Mama and the Nugget". I think he exaggerates, but for now, at least until the Lord shows me otherwise, I am content molding their worlds.. maybe THEY will be the ones to change it.

I had a conversation with a friend yesterday about a man who changed my life, on this earth I mean, Jesus changed it forever, and yet gives me people here to change it more. See, I often find myself unable to share that story... maybe because it's not mine to tell. His life, his illness, and ultimately his death was something that affected me, still affects me daily, but was a story I witnessed from the outside. That story really belongs to my mom. I will answer questions that people ask me, and they ask often, but find more often than not my throat closes up with emotion and I must stop before I let it spill over. I think it's easier to keep it behind those walls, then let it be released, who knows what type of flood will come. I find it difficult when Sugar Mama talks about him, because like everything else in her 3 year old life she just believes without restriction. "Mama, Mimi, says that Mike is heaven with Jesus, and he's not sick anymore". She has visited his grave, and finds comfort that "Mike is with Jesus and all the flowers". Of course she would get comfort from a surrounding of flowers in a place where loved one's bring flowers to remember.. she doesn't need to remember, she knows exactly where he is. I simply can't bring myself to openly speak about it, only to answer the questions presented.

No, it's not the anniversary of his death, but in just a couple of days the Nugget will be 1, and that date is shared with the anniversary of Mama J and Mike getting married, the year prior. I have never told her this, but I feel very guilty for having the Nugget that day. It will never belong to her solely again, and I wonder if she will ever remember, grieve, whatever emotions come with that and NOT think about the Nugget. It was God's way, I know this too, but again it was not my story to tell....He was sick, almost gone from us when I found out I was pregnant, and all along we thought the Nugget was a boy.. he would have been named after Mike, but she was a girl, and born on their anniversary. It's coming around again, and there is sadness all around. I have already been vocal about the Nugget turning one and how I wish time could have, could still just slow down... and let me catch up, memorizing their laughs, smells, etc., but here we are again. It would have been 2 years. I hope Mama J can steal a moment to visit that time alone, and just remember.

It's the weight of the world isn't it? I can say things here that I can't say out loud. You cannot see my tears, the heartache that lives just under the surface for situations just like this that I cannot change, or the fear that someday it will be my story to tell. I guess that is the benefit of being here instead of in your everyday lives... I can say what I want to you know and show the emotions I want to show. The world has a lot of heartache, both good and bad, and some days it just feels too heavy. But he never said it would be easy, only that in the end it would be worth it.

Today I am thankful for:

Twice this week I have been given "testimonies", really shortened version of things God has shown 2 very important people in my life. I do not get to witness often because I'm changing the world and diapers of my 2 children (well just one, but you get the point), but he's still working, and as long as he is so am I.

A birthday for the nugget. I am reluctant to celebrate, who wants their kids to grow up quickly? Not me, but at least she is reaching that milestone.. there are a lot of parents in the world who would trade a lot for that one moment. Also for the financial ability... again a lot of families right now are struggling, and God has given us enough plus a little extra to pay for this celebration he saw fit to give us.

A man God put into my life to change it, and Mama J for allowing us a glimpse into the ways God changed her and Mike's world. He did get that healing we prayed fervently for, it was just on the other side.

God's voice when he speaks directly to us. My hubs has 2 great stories of God telling him to do something, something he would never have done with out God voice directing him. God gave him 2 great testimonies out of it. He is still speaking, Are we listening? Maybe that is how the world is changed, by following God's instructions one at a time.

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