Wednesday, August 26, 2009

The First Step is Admission...

Numbers are not pretty... well unless your numbers are pretty; then this doesn't apply to you. But right now my numbers aren't. Once upon a time they were great... great numbers that I never gave a second thought.. now I give them seconds.. thirds... fourths, etc.

These are my numbers:

I'm 27 years old.

I have 2 kids.

I'm 5'6

and I weigh 200 pounds... that is the first time I have ever said (typed) that out loud unless it was preceded with: The Day I delivered Sugar Mama I weighed 200 pounds.

When I met the hubs I was 145 lbs, and wearing a size 6. After marrying the hubs I had put on some weight... so when Sugar Mama showed up on my equate pregnancy test I was not at my ideal weight. Most of you know that her pregnancy was a difficult one and I eventually gained about 25 lbs. This is normal under normal circumstances, for me it was not because I spent my first 2 trimesters losing weight.. only to gain the norm 25 in the last trimester. This was due largely in part of bed rest in the hospital. I was only allowed to get up to go to the bathroom. This was exasperated by the fact that those 25 lbs., packed on in the third trimester and Sugar Mama was 4 weeks early.

I only gained 12 lbs., with the Nugget and I lost everyone of them.. go figure.

I can't break this cycle. I do not look at myself and think I look 200 lbs. In fact I say I have the reverse of anorexia. They see themselves and think they are heavier... I see myself and think I'm thinner. Either way I'm at a turning point.

Does some of the turn have to do with vanity? Sure, who doesn't want to feel good about themselves? But also because heart disease and diabetes run heavily in my family. I'm genetically predisposed to people whose health is severely affected by obesity.

At this moment I weigh 200 pounds... I have a Body Mass Index that concludes that I am obese and I wear a size 16. Again these are things that only my husband knows... until now.

I need to lose about 50 pounds to be at a weight that is acceptable for my height. According to the charts a person my height should weigh 140.. I've had 2 kids and I do not think that is a realistic goal.. and I think it's too thin. So that's my goal.. I figure it's going to take me about 6 months to a year depending on the amount of lbs., I lose per week. A woman whose daughter goes to school with Sugar Mama has been very upfront about her struggle with weight loss and told me how she did it the healthy and safe way and has kept it off for 8 years. I would like to say the same thing.

Having said that... I feel guilty about wanting this for myself because with school this will mean more time away from my children...but...

Tomorrow I am joining a gym. At this gym is a nutritionist, who will hopefully teach me the proper way to eat. A way that doesn't involve a necessity for a professional chef, but that can teach me healthy eating habits that I can share with my entire family, Shug and the Nugget included.

My only vice is chocolate... it's like a drug.. my only drug, and on days that I can't seem to get it together I rely heavily on it's companionship. This journey will mean that I will have to say goodbye to my dear friend... (sigh).

I hope all of you will encourage this journey. I need to be healthy. I need to live long enough to meet my grandchildren. I need another reason to feel good about myself. And quite frankly I need sometime to pamper myself... how can I take care of them if I can't take care of me? Feel free to comment... and/or join me on this journey. I hope that as I blog about my success, failures, plateaus, etc that you will see this for what it is: Anything worth having is worth working for...

Today I am Thankful for:

Humility: This was a hard post for me. Embarrassing to put out there that you've let yourself go and that most days you don't realize it enough to change it. I'm glad the Lord and I can have a conversation where he gives me the strength to put my less than desirable numbers out there so I can start new.

Love to you all.

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