Tuesday, November 24, 2009

It's Your Life, Whatcha Gonna Do?

You may recognize this song (It's Your Life by Francesca Battistelli) from the Jon and Kate finale on Monday. In that context it brought tears to my eyes, but just listening it's a great song and she's got a great voice.

I've been a little emotional lately. The source is un-known, but lingering somewhere in the distance. My nanny's birthday passed last week and the strength of the loss was strong. I thought about spending weekends with her, laughing with her, being angry at realizing that I didn't really know her like I thought I did, and finally wishing; just wishing that I could have had one more moment to talk to her. That wasn't meant to be. It was deep and I couldn't let it go.

I have also posted about my experience with Sugar Mama's pregnancy. The Hubs' grandma asked if I were pregnant... I immediately dismissed this because I've told all of the well wishers who have asked about our desires to have a boy, that we are done having kids, at least for now. The scary part is that the last time she asked me that... I was pregnant with the Nugget. For about 3 days following the question I've felt nauseous. I casually mentioned it to the Hubs and we discussed the issue.

I was panic stricken. We are protected, but a lot of people around me are pregnant, Grandma asked about it, and the Nugget has learned the word Baby, which she repeats constantly. It was the panic attack trifecta.

I mentioned it to the Hubs and his face said what I couldn't...he was scared too. I started to cry. Please understand that no matter what, the children that he and I make, I would and do love unconditionally. I was honest with him and said that I wasn't ready to have another child. The thoughts that consumed my mind were the space in our house (we only have 3 bedrooms), our no longer being in the baby stage with the Nugget, school (seriously I need to graduate first), how I've gotten rid of all of our baby stuff, and sending 3 kids to private school would obviously be more expensive than sending 2. The hubs said "We need to just take a breath and see what happens." I didn't think of it constantly, but it wasn't far from my mind.

Simultaneously I was ashamed. I write this blog and tell you that I trust the Lord, and revel it what he has in store for my life, and the moment that it didn't fit into my plans I fell apart. I was ashamed of the fact that women all over the world pray daily for babies and I was panicked because it would be inconvenient. And lastly I was sad because at the end of the day, should I not be pregnant, I would feel relief.

I finally prayed. It took me some time to put into words what I was feeling. He knew what was in my heart, but it was important for me to get it out. I turned it over to him and said that what ever his will I would accept and adjust accordingly. The very next day I thought that my concern was over. Because I was unsure of what was going on I googled it... I google everything. Admittedly this is not always accurate, and I'm not sure if the information I received was accurate or not.

At this point I am unsure of how to end this blog. It would be cruel of me to type untrue information, and yet misleading to tell you this story without an ending, but the truth is I don't have an ending. I did not take a pregnancy test because my situation did not warrant it. I feel strangely empty, emotional and under the weather, without cause.

It makes me wonder...
So today I admit that I was tested and I failed. I was put in a moment to decide to trust his will and know that in the face of it all he would provide me with what I needed and instead I panicked, stomped my feet and cried "but I don't wanna."

Today I am Thankful for:

The capacity to know that when I disappoint he doesn't. He didn't leave me and I feel him now, but I also feel like a kid whose mother has scolded her. He asked me to trust him and I learned this week that I am capable, but I interfered and it was a mistake. Thank him that he forgives...

Friday, November 20, 2009

It's Twilight... and Behind It Comes a New Moon...


If you live any where in the country right now you are hearing about New Moon, the second of the Twilight Saga. I love these books, I've mentioned them before. It's not the vampire/werewolf part that attracts me, although the story line is great. I find the best part to be the love story. Nothing is impossible, you can overcome all things to find the kind of love that lasts forever. This goes along with Everything I believe in God and I think Stephanie Meyer did a great job bringing such a strong love story to life in her pages.

www.stepheniemeyer.com (it is here that you can read an excerpt from Midnight Sun; Twilight from Edward's perspective)

Sorry to the grandparents because I have taken a lot of pictures lately. Not b/c my kids have gotten any less adorable, believe me that have not, but I have not found the time... but I'll work harder over the next week; especially Thursday.

Sugar Mama is out of school next week and we are both excited about going to see our family for Thanksgiving. We are going to spend the night with my nanny the night before b/c we see 3 families on this holiday so we try to spend as much time as possible with all 3. As you can imagine it gets difficult at times. I too am on Fall Break from school. It could not have come at a better time b/c I need the time to focus and get ready for finals. I have blogged several time about how this semester just hasn't done it for me and I'm ready for it to be over.

Tonight the hubs and I are child less. My aunt is down with her 2 children and so my 2 children went to Mama J's house for a sleep over... we are currently discussing watching Transformers 2. I really like this movie, but I'm getting up early tomorrow so the Myself, the Twin and Hubs can go see New Moon. Another reason our children are at Mama J's. I can't stand NOT knowing how this movies turns out.

I hope that everyone has a wonderful thanksgiving. What a time to reflect on all of the wonderful blessings God has given us. That is what I am thankful for today: All of my many blessings, which includes ALL of you who read this blog. Thanks for letting me talk about my life, and you caring enough to read.

Have a great Weekend, Love to you all.... and Go see New Moon ;O)

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

We're Always Waiting for The Lines...

3 Missed Days...

4 Missed Days...

5 Missed Days...

The Hubs and I had a conversation in Jacksonville about my scheduled visit from mother nature, and by this point she had not shown up... I was at work when I had a conversation with some co-workers about my non-visit, but before I say that let me say that the month prior I was 5 days late. I took a pregnancy test, which came back negative, but still did not receive my visit, so I traipsed off to the doctor and paid out of pocket for a blood test... one that came back negative. I got my visit that very night.

Because of this disappointment I did not want to get my hopes up. We were not trying to get pregnant, but we also were not preventing it. I will leave it there. After having said conversation with my co-workers, that's right I did work before Sugar Mama came along, :O) I decided to get a test.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to find your very first pregnancy test? If you are Grandpa I'm going to guess that you do not know, or if you are Heather, YOU BETTER NEVER KNOW :O) I stood in the aisle looking at all of these test with promises of 5 days sooner, be the first to know, etc. Because I am super cheap I bought the Walmart Brand, with 2 tests for like $6. You will understand the significance of 2 later...

Apparently the best time to take a pregnancy test is early in the morning. I did not know this and started reading the directions in the middle of the afternoon... I couldn't wait until morning so I thought that 3 pm would just have to do. I unwrapped my test and read the directions, also sort of complicated when you have never done it before. TMI warning: I did not even have enough pee to hold the stick for 10 seconds like the directions said... nothing about this was going right... middle of the afternoon, only enough pee for about 5 seconds, would it turn out right?!?

Time for a little education... When a person gets pregnant the hormone that a pregnancy test detects multiplies by 2 in your body everyday. For example the first day you have 2, the next 4, the next 8... etc. I took the test out of the line of fire and placed it on the counter. If you have ever taken a test you probably remember not wanting to look at it until the estimated 3 minutes was up b/c you wanted it to be accurate. I was the same, but as I was cleaning up I looked anyways, after about 30 seconds....

2 Pink Lines... It was positive and it only took 30 seconds to tell me that... my hormone was there, and it was strong. Holy Cow, now I had to tell the hubs, and he wouldn't be home for like 4 hours. P.S. We had already discussed this wasn't something we would share over the phone. Up until about 2 months before this point the Hubs was not ready to have children, and I was... not a good conversation piece.

I debated all of the cute, memorable ways that I could tell him we were pregnant... I didn't want to wrap up my test, I wanted to find something small and newborn to give to him, but I was afraid to leave the house b/c I might miss him... what to do? I had plenty of time to stew about it, and finally I had resolved to handle telling him this like we handled everything else, simple and to the point.

Finally the time had come, I could hear his keys in the door, and I popped off of the couch and stood by the bar in our apartment.... Here's goes nothing... His reaction was going to make or break me...

"Hey babe" he said from the doorway.

"Hey"...


Friday, November 13, 2009

In the Vineyard there are 2 Vines...

This week the hubs won tickets to a concert from a local radio station. He won four, and we just happen to have four people in our family. We decided that we would go as a family. It was a Christian concert after all and we hoped that Sugar Mama would have fun.

The concert was on Wednesday night, a night that I have school, and on this night it was raining. Not really raining, but enough to wet your clothes and make you irritated that it was raining. I was already against the idea b/c it was a week night, Sugar Mama had school the next morning and what in the world would we do with the Nugget during the concert?!?

We showed up just as the opening act was finishing, and of course it was raining... and our seats were not covered. Sugar Mama was so excited to see "the band" that I couldn't tell her no... she and the Nugget were wearing jackets... the hubs and I were not (seriously un-prepared).

The band (SuperChick) started up and believe it or not I was sincerely surprised. I had heard one song of theirs before, but I found myself liking all of their music. Not just me, but Sugar Mama was shrugging to the beat, and the Nugget, well you just couldn't stop her from shaking her groove thing. She stood in the hubs' lap and danced and clapped her hands with the music... I could feel the spirit moving... through me and them...

(Side note: check out this link to a song that I thought was really great.. P.S. It's rocky... not a ballad...



After this group came Barlow Girl. Again I've heard of them, but when it comes to Christian music I usually like the softer stuff. At first I wasn't feeling it... and then she started speaking...

Apparently in a vineyard their are 2 types of vines...

1. The first is one that receives lots of water... it bears many fruits, but only lasts for about 3 to 4 years, and when it's served it's purpose it's burned.

2. The second receives no water at all. In order to find nourishment it takes it's roots and spreads deep into the ground. This makes the vine incredibly strong, and allows it to bear fruit, but it lasts for up to 10 years.

She said to the crowd (paraphrase) "Which are you today?"... Sometimes God allows us to spread our roots, embed them in the foundation to make us stronger... give us more fruit to bear... give us staying power. We want instant gratification and most often the true reward comes down the road, we need only search it out. Are we looking for an immediate yes, and be done with our relationship with God, or is he telling us to spread our roots, find nourishment in his word, and last eternally, not just a decade?

Today I am Thankful for:

Roots, ones that spread generations in my family showing me where I came from. Ones on this world that let me know I'm here. And the roots I spread to find nourishment in my relationship with God. He never said it would be easy, only that it would be worth it.

Happy Birthday to my Nanny. Today she would have been 71 years old. I miss her dearly...

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

My Original Post...

If you scroll down you will find my original post that I took off....

It posted on the original date that I wrote it, so you have to go down one blog to..

There is Always a Beginning....

enjoy....

Thursday, November 5, 2009

If you Discover That I'm Human Will you Continue to Read?

I started a blog about how I discovered I was pregnant with Sugar Mama. You may have read that my pregnancy with her was very difficult. It started that way, continued with an emotional roller coaster that took me to my knees. I was without control, and when my specialist looked at me and told me that she would not make it past 28 weeks I relied more heavily on God that I ever had.

I cried a lot. I spent a lot of time alone, sometimes in a room with no cable and terrified that the smallest thing I did would harm my baby in someway. I was 22 years old, scared, and my body was failing to do the one thing it was designed for. As a woman I couldn't protect this little life.

As I typed this funny little blurp about how I freaked out on a police officer who questioned the hubs about what he had to drink after another person hit our car and ran. How we had the time of our lives at the Georgia vs. Florida game that year, and how I didn't know I was pregnant. I had a small stomach ache after I drank about 1/2 of an alcoholic beverage. As I was typing it I thought about how the judgement of people thinking that my one drink might have caused my problems was a weight that I couldn't risk. Also I was afraid that admitting that I had that one drink might call my relationship with God into question.

I was saved at a young age, one saved always saved. I'm not perfect and there are moments in my life that I would take back if I could. That is not an option, but moving forward when I have conversations with my girls about life I will tell them the things I wish I could erase. I've had drinks before.. but not since I found out I was pregnant with Sugar Mama. They also got me into trouble, but that's enough admission for one post...

I'm saved, have been for a long time, and I've made mistakes. I'm a sinner saved by grace, and I'll made a lot more... but...

Will you read my blog if you find out I'm human....

There is Always a Beginning...

This was my original post... enjoy...

It felt great outside. It was Florida, first weekend in November 2004, and regardless of the weather we were too excited about the upcoming game. We were favored to win, and we were a handful of thousands of people crammed into the city of Jacksonville for the largest cocktail party: The Georgia vs. Florida game. It was early... about four thirty a.m., and we were up ready to snag an up close spot on the stadium.

"Hey babe um, I need you to come outside". I looked up from gathering my stuff and noticed that Jesse wasn't happy about something.
"Um, ok, just let me get my stuff together... I'll be down in a minute" I went back to getting ready.
"No, I need you now"..."Someone hit the car and I've got the police on the way"
This stopped me in my tracks... we had only had this car for two months because he totaled my other one just two weeks after we got married.
I spun around and went on the attack "What happened"?!?
I think he could tell I was about to blow up and he couldn't understand my overly angry response so he went outside to wait for the cops and left me staring after him.

When I came down stairs the cops were already there. Sure enough on the right drivers side was evidence that someone had hit our car. I walked up to find the Hubs telling the cops that a guy had pulled out of a parking spot and kept backing up until he hit the car, then he sped away.
"Well we sent an officer after him, but he got away... How much have you had to drink today?" The cop asked...

Seriously did I just hear him ask the hubs how much he had to drink at four thirty in the morning. Looking back I realize now that my reaction was not only completely out of character, but also that it could have gotten me a one way ticket to jail, but in the moment I had no control over it.
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW... A GUY JUST RAMMED MY CAR YOU LET HIM GET AWAY AND YOU HAVE THE AUDACITY TO ASK HIM HOW MUCH HE HAS HAD TO DRINK" Both my brother and sister came up from where they were sitting because they were so shocked at my outburst they did not know what to do. But me, I just kept on yelling. "MAYBE IF YOU WERE MORE WORRIED ABOUT DOING YOUR JOB AND LESS ABOUT HARASSING MY HUSBAND YOU MIGHT KNOW WHO HIT MY CAR".

He was stunned as well, he turned to the hubs and said "What is the matter with her, why is she so upset"... this sent me to confront him further. I walked over, still shouting, until he warned my husband to get me under control or he would in fact send me to jail.... he didn't take me, but he let us go and did not question the hubs any further, and more importantly did not find who hit our car. We went to the game.

*Warning: coming up you will find out that at 22 years old I was human... I had a drink. You will also find the reason why this particular drink was my last*

This game is called the largest cocktail party for a reason. Thousands of people go to this game and never get in the stadium. We park and tailgate together. Antagonize Florida fans, build friendships with total strangers over the love of our Dawgs, and drink. On this day we did just that. I had a Smirnoff Ice. About half way through I developed a terrible stomach ache. I couldn't make it stop making me nauseous so I ate bread and rested until kick-off. I was fine, a little nauseous, but fine during the game.

We WON!!!! It was a huge win for us, something that does not happen often enough and we were so excited we went back to our hotel to shower and change and go to the Landing. I never made it, after showering and getting ready I fell fast asleep on the bed, I was ExHaUsTeD. The next morning I woke up and got ready to make the drive back to Georgia. This ride would be less depressing than one's previous... when we'd made the trip and lost. As we got ready to leave the Hubs, the Twin, Topher, and I were laughing at my rage at the policeman the day before... I laughed because I knew how outrageous it was, but still couldn't understand what caused it. The hubs looked at me and said "Christina, did you have your cycle this weekend?"....

Ha, that had to be it... it was time for it, well a little past time, but that had to be the reason for my craziness, right?...

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Sometimes We've Just Got to Shake it...

Sometimes we also get things stuck in or on our teeth...




Here is our Dorothy... There is no Place Like Home...


And Our Little Pirate...



And now for some cheerleading competition....Her performance really brought tears to my eyes.... it took me back to not so many years ago when I did it, and the realization of how quickly the time goes was staggering.... I am super proud.



And flowers from daddy b/c she was superb and he's such a good man!!!



We did not go trick-or-treating b/c the weather was terrible but they had fun at my dad's house. And they were well rested for the competition on Sunday. You Can Not know how much fun that was...

Today I am thankful for:

Time: It passes so quickly... one moment here and gone the next, but to see it come full circle it such a gift.

The new: God gives us new things in life constantly... it's called change, we can either welcome it or shun it, today I stand with my arms open. I believe he has Great things in store... I can't wait to be a part.

Words: On most occasions I say nothing that doesn't need to be said, but lately I find myself saying my fair share. So far it has worked and been helpful. As long as I let him lead my tongue and actions, together we can see the fair and fabulous unite.

Love to you all...

Are you excited about the upcoming holidays?