You may recognize this song (It's Your Life by Francesca Battistelli) from the Jon and Kate finale on Monday. In that context it brought tears to my eyes, but just listening it's a great song and she's got a great voice.
I've been a little emotional lately. The source is un-known, but lingering somewhere in the distance. My nanny's birthday passed last week and the strength of the loss was strong. I thought about spending weekends with her, laughing with her, being angry at realizing that I didn't really know her like I thought I did, and finally wishing; just wishing that I could have had one more moment to talk to her. That wasn't meant to be. It was deep and I couldn't let it go.
I have also posted about my experience with Sugar Mama's pregnancy. The Hubs' grandma asked if I were pregnant... I immediately dismissed this because I've told all of the well wishers who have asked about our desires to have a boy, that we are done having kids, at least for now. The scary part is that the last time she asked me that... I was pregnant with the Nugget. For about 3 days following the question I've felt nauseous. I casually mentioned it to the Hubs and we discussed the issue.
I was panic stricken. We are protected, but a lot of people around me are pregnant, Grandma asked about it, and the Nugget has learned the word Baby, which she repeats constantly. It was the panic attack trifecta.
I mentioned it to the Hubs and his face said what I couldn't...he was scared too. I started to cry. Please understand that no matter what, the children that he and I make, I would and do love unconditionally. I was honest with him and said that I wasn't ready to have another child. The thoughts that consumed my mind were the space in our house (we only have 3 bedrooms), our no longer being in the baby stage with the Nugget, school (seriously I need to graduate first), how I've gotten rid of all of our baby stuff, and sending 3 kids to private school would obviously be more expensive than sending 2. The hubs said "We need to just take a breath and see what happens." I didn't think of it constantly, but it wasn't far from my mind.
Simultaneously I was ashamed. I write this blog and tell you that I trust the Lord, and revel it what he has in store for my life, and the moment that it didn't fit into my plans I fell apart. I was ashamed of the fact that women all over the world pray daily for babies and I was panicked because it would be inconvenient. And lastly I was sad because at the end of the day, should I not be pregnant, I would feel relief.
I finally prayed. It took me some time to put into words what I was feeling. He knew what was in my heart, but it was important for me to get it out. I turned it over to him and said that what ever his will I would accept and adjust accordingly. The very next day I thought that my concern was over. Because I was unsure of what was going on I googled it... I google everything. Admittedly this is not always accurate, and I'm not sure if the information I received was accurate or not.
At this point I am unsure of how to end this blog. It would be cruel of me to type untrue information, and yet misleading to tell you this story without an ending, but the truth is I don't have an ending. I did not take a pregnancy test because my situation did not warrant it. I feel strangely empty, emotional and under the weather, without cause.
It makes me wonder...
So today I admit that I was tested and I failed. I was put in a moment to decide to trust his will and know that in the face of it all he would provide me with what I needed and instead I panicked, stomped my feet and cried "but I don't wanna."
Today I am Thankful for:
The capacity to know that when I disappoint he doesn't. He didn't leave me and I feel him now, but I also feel like a kid whose mother has scolded her. He asked me to trust him and I learned this week that I am capable, but I interfered and it was a mistake. Thank him that he forgives...