I read this line in "The Noticer" in a part that described a man dying from cancer, and the fear that surrounded that man about dying.
I use this blog to document my life. One day I hope my children and/or grandchildren read the one's I save so they really know about my life. Things I wish I had of my own grandparents/parents.
With that being said. These are words that have never been put into any conversation form with the single exception of my husband, and only then in limited portions. Not because I don't trust him but because it is something that has crippled me since I was 7 and have just never spoken of... no rhyme or reason... just there it is.
I've been saved since I was 7... I've written that before. But shortly after I made that decision, and I don't know how I know, I just know that I know not long after that I started to have panic attacks. Usually late at night as I was lying in my bed, about to go to sleep, with everything quiet and my mind racing.
I know that I started to panic about what would happen when the world ended. I had walked that aisle because I knew that I didn't want to go to hell, the rest was still a mystery. So at 7, 8, 9, as recently as over the weekend I would start to panic about what happens next. I do not know what waits on the other side and as a child I would panic about being a place where I didn't know if my parents would be there, and if they were would they know me?... now it's about my husband and children, but the question remains the same...basically what happens? Also that this world wouldn't exist. My favorite stores, my school, my church, what would happen to those things.. this world, when judgement had been passed and the rest had been written.
I've prayed about it lots... because it's paralyzing to have that type of panic and still not have the answers you seek. I finally broke down and told my husband, years after we had been married, and still I've never told him any of this.. only that I panic about things I do not understand. So I decided to put these words here. To give God the glory for the words that were written in that book today and to stop giving the devil so much control over my time. The best is yet to come. That still makes me panic because I don't know what that means, only that he promises no more tears, happiness, glory, grace, etc. I cannot say here that I won't ever panic again, because chances are I will... there must be something in my mind, but now I'm not the only one who knows about it, and if you know me in real life I hope this doesn't make you thing I'm crazy. Just trying to be honest.
So here it is..
Today I am Thankful for:
Knowing that this is not my lot in life. That even though I absolutely do not know what happens on the other side, I have taken comfort in knowing my loved ones are there. It's still a mystery but one I will not have to face alone, in either space, here or when I get where I'm going.