Saturday, January 29, 2011

A Desperation...

Curse those raging hormones.  I keep waiting for them to regulate themselves and for my crazy to go back to it's dormant state... but no luck it's still hanging around.

Just a week ago the hubs came home to find me crying about our baby being 3 days old... I feel like the time is slipping by so fast and my attempts to reach out, grab it, and slow it to a more comfortable level are in vain.  It's almost a desperation for me to soak up my girls being this little.  I constantly have the thought that one day it simply won't be this way.

Besides the hormones, sometimes, I attribute this to God saying "Slow Down... look around you, it's fleeting and you're going to want to remember this"... I feel a desperation to document every achievement.  It's why Sugar Mama has an entire drawer packed so full of kindergarten work that it will barely close and the year is only half over... why I think constantly that I should be taking pictures, making hand prints/feet prints, writing down funny things they say so I can share them later.  As much as I want to... I simply cannot keep them little forever.  Even as I simply type that sentence my throat is thick with un-shed tears.  The hubs has just joined me in the bed, as I type he's looking over my shoulder, and I can't cry anymore in front of him for fear he's going to be convinced that I am crazy (I kid about this, he would never think that, it's more that I hate to cry, in front of anyone, especially my husband). Today they will remain un-shed.

My emotions are simply in hyper-drive.  I feel everything right now like a sucker punch.  It takes practically nothing for my throat to be thick with unshed tears, and far less for me to actually shed those tears... depends of my setting :)

I hope it passes, it's uncomfortable to feel so vulnerable, raw, exposed.  It hurts to live in a place that feels like life is slipping away day by day and there is simply nothing to do about it.  Perhaps my perspective needs a change, or something equally profound.  But at this moment in this space I am over whelmed by emotions... is that baby blues, post partum?  I'm not sure I would know.. I was so focused on getting my other 2 out of NICU I didn't give those things an opportunity in my life.  Now I'm finding it a struggle to get into a routine with all 3 and nursing creates and exclusive relationship with my baby, and my hubs works nights, sleeps days... sometimes it feels like it's all up to me and the baby blues or whatever could slip right in and join me, and I'm not sure I could tell a difference :)

Today I am Thankful for: 

A visit to Mama J's.  I need to get out and feel like I can handle the responsibility of all three of my girls without freaking out :)

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

One Week Old... Already...


I can hardly believe it's already been one week.  This time last week we were enjoying our newest addition while trying to keep our eyes open :)

Over the past few days we have learned how difficult it is adding a fifth person to our mix.  I've thought the entire time "oh it's just another person, no big deal"... my oh my :)

These are her eyes, which we have rarely seen.  They are blue just like her older sisters, despite the fact that the hubs and I have brown eyes, we have popped out 3 beautiful blue-eyed girls :)


I love this one simply because she lying on her hands all snuggled up :)


We're all exhausted from the change in schedule... can you tell? :)


This cracks me up... Sugar Mama put her make-up on and came out to show me and asked me to take a picture, about that time a good friend of mine showed up with dinner for our family (so incredibly sweet) and Dooley freaked out... this was Sugar Mama's face :)


We are working on getting used to having an extra person to count when we do the constant head count :)  As I was coming home from dance with the Nugget, I had a moment of panic because I thought I had forgotten the baby.  No worries, she was tucked safely in her car seat just behind me :)

She is a doll and the girls love her so much, asking about her every morning as they get up and begging to hold her constantly through the day :)  I simply wouldn't have it any other way!!

Today I am Thankful for: 

I am so blessed to live in a home with so much love.  It has hit me, like a mac truck, that I love the people who live in this house so much and cannot imagine or remember what life was like before they entered it.  I am simply unworthy of the blessings God has given me!!

P.S. One thing I had forgotten I love so much are the baby sugars.  You know how you kiss a baby's cheek to see if they are hungry?  If they are they will turn their head towards you and try to eat your face?  I love these baby sugars and have missed them so much!!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

While It's Still FRESH in My Mind...

This post will be absolutely boring for anyone but me.  But one thing that I love about having babies is the ability to recall, later, exactly what happened the day they were born.  So for baby girl number 3, I am going to type it here so I can have it fresh in my mind down the road :)

Labor for me started Monday night about 7 p.m.  I had previously mentioned here that "false labor" is an annoying phenomenon and so quite frankly I did not give it any credence what-so-ever.  The contractions were not regular, another reason I didn't give it a lot of thought.  Around 10 p.m. I noticed that they were in fact getting regular and they were "uncomfortable", not really painful, just enough tightness to give me pause.

I did everything I could think of to ensure that they were real... drinking LOTS of water, lying on my left side, getting in a warm bath, etc.  Instead of trying to look at a clock to time the contractions, I broke out a stop watch and timed the length in between.  At 11 p.m. the hubs called to check and I had been regular, 5 minutes apart, for 1 hour.  He insisted I call the doctor.  I respectively declined :)  I told him I thought we should just wait it out until the morning, he insisted... so I did.

I did everything in the conversation with my Ob/Gyn to convince him that this was not in fact real labor and he would probably send me home.. he said "Well it doesn't sound real, but let's go ahead and bring you in because it could go quickly", "Wait for your husband to get home and I'll see you in a bit"... (sigh)  I got immediately on the phone with my dad, who was a huge life saver in a pinch by coming over to sit with the girls and got ready to go to the hospital.

We left around 1:20 a.m. on Tuesday morning, still having contractions about 4 minutes apart.  I registered for the hospital, because I had not done this, thinking I had 2 more weeks :) And walked up to labor and delivery.  Once checked in and changed into the crazy sexy hospital gown I settled in to figure out what they were going to do.  At this point I have been up for almost a solid 24 hours.  I woke up on my own at 6:30 a.m. on Monday and never went back to sleep because I was in labor.  

My nurse came in, checked my contractions, and then my cervix.  At my last doctors appointment I was 1 1/2 cm, initial examination shows I'm a 4!! I was very excited about the progress :) Just 2 hours later at about 5 a.m. there has not been a significant change still 4 - 5 and I had to wait until 7:20 to find out he was going to keep me, letting me labor until about 8 a.m. when he would come up and break my water.  I started to cry :)  Ha!! Going in I wasn't sure if I was more afraid that he would send me home or keep me.  Keeping me meant that having to deliver this baby, which I feared with all my heart, was finally going to happen :)

My nerves were shot because I could only think of the Nugget's traumatic delivery, and I had to exercise great control not to lose it :)  At 8 a.m. sharp he came in and broke my water... which did not kick it into gear like it should have.  So... about 9:30 a.m. I started pitocin.  An increase of 2 every hour.  At this point I have been up for 27 hours, in labor for 9 1/2 hours.  The gradual increase had it's desired effect... my contractions became much closer together and much stronger.  By 11:50 a.m. I had not made enough progress for me.  I called my nurse in and asked her to check me again so I could make a decision about pain medication... "You are a solid 5"... I was only half way through, so tired, and the pain was unbelievable!!!

I asked for pain medication... while sobbing.  I have never had a good experience with an epidural.  With Sugar Mama it didn't work but left me with chronic back pain, and I didn't even get it with the Nugget.  I begged for it this time.  She gave me an I.V. shot and hooked me up to the necessary fluids I would need to receive the epidural.  It was the most agonizing 30 minutes of my life.  I cannot explain why it was so much different but it simply was.  I was so sleepy from the medication in between contractions, but during I was in an insane amount of pain.  In walked my anesthesiologists.  Praise the Lord!!

I cannot tell you how long it took... only that, at 12:30 my nurse came in to get prepared.  After about 20 minutes I was attempted to scrape the skin of my husbands face and head as I was sure that I was about to deliver.  I was sitting straight up and the pressure/pain had me literally saying out loud "Oh my God, someone please help me".... I asked to lie down and they let me, during which things happened: 
1. I silently prayed that this not happen again even though I knew it was and 
2. I informed them that it was time.. she was coming...

Sure enough she checked me and I was 10.  I went from 5 cm to 10 cm in less than 20 minutes.  My nurse said "It's time to deliver" and I said "Not again".

Side Note: God Bless my husband who is simply amazing!! I caused him great physical pain and he never complained, not even once :)

I was fortunate enough to get a shot of medicine in my I.V. before having to push, which helped numb me enough to know that I wasn't going to die :)  I stayed there for what seemed like forever, turns out, it was closer to about 10 minutes.  My doctor walked in and got ready to deliver my sweet baby girl.
3 pushes
A constant conversation of "Man this baby is really big", "She has never delivered a baby this big" and then 
I reached down and delivered my 3rd child :)
8 lbs. 9 oz. 
Just over 14 hours later
I was done :)

I cannot consider this delivery natural because I did have the epidural.. it was too late, but the medicine he put in my I.V. numbed me enough during delivery to not even scream, and after wards I couldn't feel my feet for several hours :) Part of me was disappointed in myself, but honestly the extra 2 lbs. did matter and I needed something to help me.  I made it through and delivered my biggest baby ever.  Go Me!!

I am so thankful it's done :)

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

I've Been a Busy Girl...

Introducing Lively Situation's Third Princess :)



           

  A very proud, first time Big Sister!!

All My Girls :)


An old pro :)

Dooley checking her out.



Just a quick post for Grandma and Grandpa!!

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Hard Conversations... Even Harder Words...

Some of you may not know, but I'm not even 30 yet.  I had Sugar Mama when I was just 23, which now seems like such a baby, and the Nugget just 3 years later, and now little un-nicknamed baby another 3 years later. 

I always wanted to be a young mom.  Mama J had the Twin and I when she was just 20, so when I hit the formidable years she wasn't too far removed and could relate.  I wanted that very much for my own daughters, I certainly didn't know there would be 3, but I look forward to sharing those same experiences. 

That being said, there has always been something about Sugar Mama.  Her pregnancy was one of the most difficult things I've ever been through.  I was 22, told she wouldn't live, any decision I made would be the wrong one and she simply wouldn't survive.  I was on bed rest, strict, bed rest for 5 months, with more hospital visits that I could count.  We struggled financially because we went from 2 incomes to 1 and the bills were still due. The finale being a 3 week stay in the hospital that took me to the brink of my sanity :)

The amazing thing is that they always said something would happen and then when it didn't they were baffled.  For instance... once at I think about 22 - 24 weeks I had to go to the hospital because my cervix was measuring too short.  A normal person measures at about 3 - 4 cm... mine was about a 2.  My doctor told me that no matter what I would go into surgery in the morning and they would sew it up.. I would be in the hospital for at least 6 weeks and we would re-evaluate then.  The "no matter what" was because every time they would check it and threaten with a cerclage (sewing up) and then measure it right before the procedure and it would be fine.
Proof that God has a sense of humor too :)
That day was no exception.  He came in and measured me... I was too long... there was no reason to do it :)

You've read my cardboard testimony... no matter what they said God was always right.. always intercepting for me doing exactly what he needed to be done to give me a testimony I live by today.

She is my first born, not necessarily, more special, just special in a different way.  
Last night we were on our way to get pizza and she started to ask about smoking.  I can't give you a reason... only that perhaps God put it on her heart because he needed to bring up the issues that she really needed to talk about.

We discussed why you shouldn't smoke, what happens when you do, which led to a conversation about her and my Uncle Scott who passed away this past August.  His lungs were only operating on a 15% capacity which was eventually his cause of death.  She mentioned that she missed him a lot, "me too sweet girl, me too" was all I could say.

"Mama, when I growed up and move out, Will you and Daddy smoke too?"

I laughed and told her that No, we do not and will not start and she better not either.

Silence

"Mama, if you don't smoke, does that mean that you will have to die too"....

I burst into tears... aside from fearing the things I don't know, the mere thought of a time when I am separated from my babies is almost more than I can stand.. but I have vowed not to pass on my idiosyncrasies to them, so I took a moment.

"Yes honey, mommy and daddy will die some day, but that will be a really long time from now".... she was crying now too, as was the Hubs.  The thing is she was scared... scared that those things would take her mommy and daddy.

"Are you afraid that mommy and daddy will die too?"...

"Yes, and I will miss you a lot"... oh my oh my.... it's hard to even type those words because they make me tear up again.  I simply cannot reassure me or her beyond a shadow of a doubt that I or the Hubs will be here until she gets old, old, old.  But I tried and it simply broke my heart to see my sweet little 5 year old girl handle such a grown up concept.  All I could rely on was the promise that we would see Uncle Scott again, and if something did happen she would see us one day again in heaven.  It's a moment that is tattooed on my heart forever.

I also feel God is preparing that sweet heart to reach the age of accountability.  She has asked God and Jesus to come and live in her heart, I've already blogged that, but I'm not sure she fully gets it, and that's okay, but he's in there... giving her the questions to ask to prepare that sweet little mini heart for a transformation, the one necessary to take her to the place where she can see all those people she will miss one day.  What a hard conversation.. with more difficult ones to come, and it's even harder to find the words, but again God is there and he's having to lead, because I can't move past the tears :)


Today I am Thankful for: 


That sweet little mini heart.  She was simply meant to be my first born.  The one who bring me to my knees, literally, and is the evidence of the things I simply cannot see.  She is the band aid to my heart and I am so thankful for all 3 of my sweet girls!



P.S. If you read this blog and cannot relate to Sugar Mama my prayers are with you.  Please search out your heart to find those answers that her little mini heart is searching for.  You can always email me with ANYTHING: livelysituation@yahoo.com

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Winter Storm Number One 2011

Because we live in the south, and simply never experience it, we are grossly under prepared for snow days.  Grocery stores were practically cleaned out of "essentials" i.e. milk and bread and for those actually stocking up on groceries, lines were insanely long.  

We were prepared on that front, but the thing we lack is proper clothing to play in the snow :)  Both of our girls were wearing: 
a long sleeve shirt
a lined hoodie
a frost free vest
leggings
jeans
socks/shoes
plastic bags over their socks and shoes
with a pair of daddy's socks over their shoes to keep them dry (no rain boots)
hats and gloves...

As usual I took for granted the severity of the storm.  The always say we're getting all this snow and turns out we get a little dust.  Boy was I wrong.  Around 8:00 Sunday night the freezing rain started, by 8:30 as the girls were getting in the bed, our lawn was covered.  We discovered the next morning, as they went to run out and play, that the snow was hard, covered by a layer of ice.  We still played but it wasn't easy :)

We built little mini-snowmen




Made Snow Angels.. sort of :)


And even had our first experience sledding.. I didn't get to go but it sure looked like a lot of fun!!


This is the smile of pure joy!!




Dooley even got in on the action, hanging with the Hubs and girls!!


Please excuse the large red basketball we will call our daughter in a matter of weeks.  I simply couldn't find anything to fit, this was haphazardly thrown together :)


This is our house covered in snow/ice... I took a picture before the beauty was destroyed by our foot prints :)


They had the best time and were positively frozen by the time we came in about 2 hours later.  They are as surprised by snow as we are because we simply don't get it often.  We've had an additional 2 days off of school (which we may have to make up later) and been snowed in the house for 2 days now.. Nugget girl asked me where we were going today.. they are as ready as I am to get out of the house :)

My nanny called me yesterday to tell me that this week wouldn't be good for the baby to come.  This made me laugh, and I assured her I would pass along the message :) 


Today I am Thankful for: 

Snow Days: The Hubs has been at home for the past 2 days and this is always so wonderful for me.  Especially since these last four weeks have proven to actually be the most difficult and I'm able to do less and less.  He had to work straight through the weekend, and these 2 days will all but ensure that he has to work through this weekend too.  I'm thankful he's been here for this time :)

Friday, January 7, 2011

Check-Up...

I am at a point in this pregnancy where I am going to the doctor every week.  For a short time, and due to blood pressure issues, I was going twice a week, but that has since slacked off :) Thank goodness too because I'm officially off of bed rest!!!!

I've had a couple of new experiences: 
1. I am officially pregnant the longest I have ever been pregnant.  I have never made it past 36 weeks and 3 days (both girls were born @ this time), but Sunday will make 37 weeks.  I feel confident about my ability to hold because at 36 weeks and 2 days I was still holding at 1 cm.  With both my girls I walked into deliver at 36 weeks 3 days @ 5 cm.  So my odds of making it to the end, and having this baby come home with me as opposed to spending a week in the NICU is looking very good.

2. False Labor: How irritating is this phenomenon?  Especially when it's in your back?  I was convinced on Monday that I'd be having this baby, but alas no, and what did I get for my trouble?  Not even additional dilation.... But as I've been informed recently the last 4 weeks are the hardest.. again, never experienced them so I'm learning as I go :)

But just to make sure, I had a recent check-up, the best money can buy!!
Dr. Nugget and Surgeon Sugar Mama looked me over nicely.  It was free, and even included a dental exam!!


A blood pressure check because Sugar Mama insisted (she knows it's been high :)








I was given a clean bill of health and awarded no cavities!! 

I must admit my lack of cervical progress was a little baffling at first.  I'm nervous this means that labor will be longer and harder, and given that I have never experienced having a baby that wasn't born at 36 weeks, I am also nervous about the size.  Of course it is an estimate, but my doctor informed me that on Tuesday of this week he thought she would weight 7lbs. 2 oz ... I had another appointment today and I've gained another pound... just since Tuesday... I'm going to add it on to the baby total, reluctantly of course :) Is it true the baby gains 1/2 to 1 lb. per week the last 4 weeks?

I asked my doctor, since I go with out pain meds, if it would be harder with an extra pound or two.. his response: "Well obviously it's harder to push out an 8lb baby than it is a 6lb one".. Not that encouraging :)  But I'm going to listen to my friend Amy who told me that she's heard the exact opposite... Yep, let's go with that one :)

For now he wants to see what I'm going to do on my own, checking me again next Friday, and then decide if induction is necessary.  I'm no longer convinced that I'm going on my own, but she will show up when God determines it's time to see her sweet little face.

Today I am Thankful for: 

This additional time... I would be lying if I said to you that I am beyond ready to deliver this baby.. the opposite is true because the Nugget's delivery was so much harder, and much more painful, and it's fresh in my mind.  So I am thankful for development purposes and so that I can spend more time praying for the strength I am going to need!!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Putting it in Plaster...

I have always wanted to do maternity photos and a belly cast.  The problem has always been that I have not been pregnant long enough.  Right when I get the itch to complete the project I go into labor and the belly I want so badly to preserve is jelly.

So this time I got smart and did it early!!  It was also a good way for Sugar Mama and the Nugget to help me prepare for the baby, which is always a good thing when introducing a sibling :)


Funny story, I did take a picture of actually making the belly cast for my own personal photos but would never post it here because you must do it in your birthday suit... that suit stays in the closet (at the moment I have it steaming to get all the wrinkles out) :) Also for me, it was unusually funny to see it head on as opposed to from the top.  It was a tad shocking to see how large it really was :)


We painted it together in between letting our letters dry...


This is not the best picture because it's a little dark, but I absolutely love how they turned out.  It took a lot longer than I thought, which is why we had two projects running at once :)

And lastly, our finished piece of plaster belly cast: 


Ta-dah!!! I had the bright idea that I wanted Sugar Mama and the Nugget's hand prints to be on the belly cast, but for that to happen they had to put their hands on until the plaster dried... um not my nugget girl :) so I decided to paint them on instead.  

Her name will be: 

Kinley James 

Kinley means: Dweller in the King's Meadow
and James for her daddy, who I know she will love more than life, just like the two before her!!

These were our weekend projects and hanging them made some much needed final touches to our nursery, I am very excited to be done with it.  I would still love to get maternity photos, if only to put one or two in her room framed, but tomorrow is my last "vacation" day before school starts back for both myself and Sugar Mama, basically before life goes back to normal.  I don't know that I will find time, but at least I have the belly cast!!  And I am so in love with this belly I cannot even tell you.  To me, it is my best belly yet :)

Today I am Thankful for: 

HP: a high school lady who left a comment a while ago about a post I made.  She let me know then as she always has in the past, most recently the other night when I simply thought about it, that we're not alone in the things that we fear.  But to defeat that fear, you simply bring it into the light, for in the light is where you find that you were never, and will never be alone.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Last Year's Old News...

I know you have all come to Lively Situation dying to know what resolutions I hold for 2011... :)

Well ... 

Let's start with the one's most resolved... (is that how you say that?) anyhoo...

Get Organized... this one isn't on my list because as I've mentioned before I have MAJOR O.C.D. and therefore become a crazy person with any type of non, un, disorganization.  In fact the Hubs just finished putting away all of our Christmas decorations, and while I love this holiday more than any other time of year, my obsessiveness and nesting ushered it right on out of my house :)

Lose weight... normally, probably.  But since I am 36 weeks pregnant, and about to (hopefully) nurse a new baby there will be no calorie counting for me. :))))) lots of smiles

Stop Smoking.... negative

I have better ones: Let's try
Turning our socks right side out so the proper side gets washed
Waking up happy, versus fighting with each other over DSi and Mobigo
More uses of the word Swell, Splendid, etc.

I joke.. because honestly I don't have any resolutions for 2011.  My hopes for the year have gotten off to a splendid start :) My baby girl is still in utero, and if I make it to Thursday, the number will make me officially pregnant for the longest period of time.  I am so thankful for the prayers that went up about bed rest/blood pressure issues.  I had not even thought about praying for those things because the other two pregnancies have been so high-risk and scary, these little things seem so ordinary :) But some one must have been praying because my blood pressure is better and basically my doctor is going to just leave me alone.  It will be the first time that's every happened too :)

I also don't want to wait until December 31st/ January 1st to make a change if I feel one is needed.  I do not begrudge resolutions, they just aren't for me.  If you have made good ones I pray you are more successful that you could have hoped for.


Probably the ONE thing that I will focus on in 2011 is ridding my life of situations that drain me emotionally.  I have interactions with people who simply drain the life right out of me and I don't address them enough because I am not a confrontational person.  However, I do resolve to focus more on the awesome people who support me always, and to rid myself of the negative.  I feel the statement "God puts people in your life for a reason, and some for only a season" speaks volumes in this situation.

Most importantly I pray that one of your resolutions, if you don't already have one, is to gain a relationship with God.  I hope you meet my Savior and spend time getting to know his grace/mercy/love/promises...

Today I am Thankful for: 

Another year... May this year be as wonderful and blessed as the old one for us all.