Saturday, January 29, 2011

A Desperation...

Curse those raging hormones.  I keep waiting for them to regulate themselves and for my crazy to go back to it's dormant state... but no luck it's still hanging around.

Just a week ago the hubs came home to find me crying about our baby being 3 days old... I feel like the time is slipping by so fast and my attempts to reach out, grab it, and slow it to a more comfortable level are in vain.  It's almost a desperation for me to soak up my girls being this little.  I constantly have the thought that one day it simply won't be this way.

Besides the hormones, sometimes, I attribute this to God saying "Slow Down... look around you, it's fleeting and you're going to want to remember this"... I feel a desperation to document every achievement.  It's why Sugar Mama has an entire drawer packed so full of kindergarten work that it will barely close and the year is only half over... why I think constantly that I should be taking pictures, making hand prints/feet prints, writing down funny things they say so I can share them later.  As much as I want to... I simply cannot keep them little forever.  Even as I simply type that sentence my throat is thick with un-shed tears.  The hubs has just joined me in the bed, as I type he's looking over my shoulder, and I can't cry anymore in front of him for fear he's going to be convinced that I am crazy (I kid about this, he would never think that, it's more that I hate to cry, in front of anyone, especially my husband). Today they will remain un-shed.

My emotions are simply in hyper-drive.  I feel everything right now like a sucker punch.  It takes practically nothing for my throat to be thick with unshed tears, and far less for me to actually shed those tears... depends of my setting :)

I hope it passes, it's uncomfortable to feel so vulnerable, raw, exposed.  It hurts to live in a place that feels like life is slipping away day by day and there is simply nothing to do about it.  Perhaps my perspective needs a change, or something equally profound.  But at this moment in this space I am over whelmed by emotions... is that baby blues, post partum?  I'm not sure I would know.. I was so focused on getting my other 2 out of NICU I didn't give those things an opportunity in my life.  Now I'm finding it a struggle to get into a routine with all 3 and nursing creates and exclusive relationship with my baby, and my hubs works nights, sleeps days... sometimes it feels like it's all up to me and the baby blues or whatever could slip right in and join me, and I'm not sure I could tell a difference :)

Today I am Thankful for: 

A visit to Mama J's.  I need to get out and feel like I can handle the responsibility of all three of my girls without freaking out :)

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