Thursday, January 13, 2011

Hard Conversations... Even Harder Words...

Some of you may not know, but I'm not even 30 yet.  I had Sugar Mama when I was just 23, which now seems like such a baby, and the Nugget just 3 years later, and now little un-nicknamed baby another 3 years later. 

I always wanted to be a young mom.  Mama J had the Twin and I when she was just 20, so when I hit the formidable years she wasn't too far removed and could relate.  I wanted that very much for my own daughters, I certainly didn't know there would be 3, but I look forward to sharing those same experiences. 

That being said, there has always been something about Sugar Mama.  Her pregnancy was one of the most difficult things I've ever been through.  I was 22, told she wouldn't live, any decision I made would be the wrong one and she simply wouldn't survive.  I was on bed rest, strict, bed rest for 5 months, with more hospital visits that I could count.  We struggled financially because we went from 2 incomes to 1 and the bills were still due. The finale being a 3 week stay in the hospital that took me to the brink of my sanity :)

The amazing thing is that they always said something would happen and then when it didn't they were baffled.  For instance... once at I think about 22 - 24 weeks I had to go to the hospital because my cervix was measuring too short.  A normal person measures at about 3 - 4 cm... mine was about a 2.  My doctor told me that no matter what I would go into surgery in the morning and they would sew it up.. I would be in the hospital for at least 6 weeks and we would re-evaluate then.  The "no matter what" was because every time they would check it and threaten with a cerclage (sewing up) and then measure it right before the procedure and it would be fine.
Proof that God has a sense of humor too :)
That day was no exception.  He came in and measured me... I was too long... there was no reason to do it :)

You've read my cardboard testimony... no matter what they said God was always right.. always intercepting for me doing exactly what he needed to be done to give me a testimony I live by today.

She is my first born, not necessarily, more special, just special in a different way.  
Last night we were on our way to get pizza and she started to ask about smoking.  I can't give you a reason... only that perhaps God put it on her heart because he needed to bring up the issues that she really needed to talk about.

We discussed why you shouldn't smoke, what happens when you do, which led to a conversation about her and my Uncle Scott who passed away this past August.  His lungs were only operating on a 15% capacity which was eventually his cause of death.  She mentioned that she missed him a lot, "me too sweet girl, me too" was all I could say.

"Mama, when I growed up and move out, Will you and Daddy smoke too?"

I laughed and told her that No, we do not and will not start and she better not either.


"Mama, if you don't smoke, does that mean that you will have to die too"....

I burst into tears... aside from fearing the things I don't know, the mere thought of a time when I am separated from my babies is almost more than I can stand.. but I have vowed not to pass on my idiosyncrasies to them, so I took a moment.

"Yes honey, mommy and daddy will die some day, but that will be a really long time from now".... she was crying now too, as was the Hubs.  The thing is she was scared... scared that those things would take her mommy and daddy.

"Are you afraid that mommy and daddy will die too?"...

"Yes, and I will miss you a lot"... oh my oh my.... it's hard to even type those words because they make me tear up again.  I simply cannot reassure me or her beyond a shadow of a doubt that I or the Hubs will be here until she gets old, old, old.  But I tried and it simply broke my heart to see my sweet little 5 year old girl handle such a grown up concept.  All I could rely on was the promise that we would see Uncle Scott again, and if something did happen she would see us one day again in heaven.  It's a moment that is tattooed on my heart forever.

I also feel God is preparing that sweet heart to reach the age of accountability.  She has asked God and Jesus to come and live in her heart, I've already blogged that, but I'm not sure she fully gets it, and that's okay, but he's in there... giving her the questions to ask to prepare that sweet little mini heart for a transformation, the one necessary to take her to the place where she can see all those people she will miss one day.  What a hard conversation.. with more difficult ones to come, and it's even harder to find the words, but again God is there and he's having to lead, because I can't move past the tears :)

Today I am Thankful for: 

That sweet little mini heart.  She was simply meant to be my first born.  The one who bring me to my knees, literally, and is the evidence of the things I simply cannot see.  She is the band aid to my heart and I am so thankful for all 3 of my sweet girls!

P.S. If you read this blog and cannot relate to Sugar Mama my prayers are with you.  Please search out your heart to find those answers that her little mini heart is searching for.  You can always email me with ANYTHING:


  1. Well... of course I have to comment!
    WOW!!!....... what else is there to say but WOW!
    I believe that was a hard conversation to have with Olivia...all of you being so tenderhearted and all.
    And I can totally relate to both ends of that spectrum...I have had that conversation with my parents MANY times (not the smoking but the death). And i can tell from experience that it is a hard conversation to have.
    But Olivia is SO lucky to have parents like you and Jesse, because ya'll are a few of the ones who will actually sit down and talk to her and explain to her, and actually take her concerns to heart (not a stab towards anyone, just making it clear).
    And just for your sake, as i do kind of know how you function :D -- You and Jesse are doing a FANTASTIC job preparing her for that choice of Salvation. And GOD will guide you both in the right direction when it comes that time on how to handle it. :)

    But if you need anyone to talk to, vent to, confide in, WHATEVER! Call. :)
    We love you dearly and you are in our every prayer.


  2. Thank you so much for everything you said!! It is a hard conversation to have, especially with a child who is really young to understand concepts that as an adult I struggle to understand. But, as with every situation, God has given us just the right words to use and it makes her feel better. WE are the lucky ones because she is so awesome, so we're just trying to remember these sweet moments for when she's older and doesn't need us so much anymore :(

  3. We are ALL lucky to know Miss. Olivia. :)
    She is an AMAZING girl, and you all are an AMAZING family! :)
    And I speak from experience to say that, even though she needs you now, she will need you much more as she gets older! So you have many more "sweet" moments to look forward to! :)
    I think my parents get tired of my "sweet" moments (when they are lucky enough to occur) haha. j/k! :)