Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Little Time To Spare...

In case you can't tell from the lack of blog posts.. It's hard trying to take care of 3 kids.  :/  As it always happens when we have a newborn in our house.. the hubs is working 7 days a week, and since that wasn't enough to test my sanity they just started working 10 hours days... 7. Days. A. Week....

This is one of the reasons that I posted my suspicions about post partum.  I had an open and honest conversation about this with my OB and my appointment and he agreed that I do indeed have post partum.  My problem with this is: 
1. Why is it so hard for me to admit this?  Honestly as I explained it to my husband it's incredibly humbling to accept that you cannot handle it alone and you need help.  But why... is it unreasonable to expect that with my pregnancy hormones coupled with the hormones necessary to produce milk that I would be over whelmed and teary at basically being a single parent?  I don't think so, but it's embarrassing to admit.. there I said it. 
2. It made me a little happy as he handed me that slip for a rx because I saw it as a possible way back to who I think I am, because quite frankly at this stage in the game I don't recognize myself, and I want to get me back.  My children are not getting the best version of me right now and they do not deserve that.

More importantly I don't want people to think I'm a few straight jackets shy of the crazy house.  This is real.. and I'm not really all that affected by it.  I mean don't get me wrong I cry just about everyday.. not even about significant things, but because my husband goes to bed.  Well sure he goes to bed.. he's been up for 16 hours and just got off work, but in my mind it's him leaving me alone and that send me into a sobbing fit equivalent of real grief.  I get irrationally irritated at the small things my children do.. again they deserve a better version than the one they are getting.  I feel depressed.  I'm not interested in taking care of my own basic needs, at the same time I recognize it and just don't feel the energy to change it. But there are people who have it a lot worse.

I haven't filled the rx yet.. because of the reluctance mentioned above, but I'm thinking seriously about it.  What does that make me?  Does it mean I'm not trusting God to improve my situation.. perhaps... Because my husband has been working for 7 days since Pea in a Pod was born last Sunday was the first Sunday I've been to church in 6 weeks... I miss seeing my friends hearing the word, because maybe, just maybe the reason the depression slipped in is because I've let some of my God slip out.  I'm working on it.

He doesn't need my Zoloft, he isn't depressed, he's simply waiting in the wings for me to decide how to handle my feelings.. and the to finally ask him what I should do.. because I haven't done that yet either... You can see how scattered my mind is right now :)

On positive notes: Pea in a Pod finally smiled in earnest at me today.  Cannot tell you how that makes my heart melt.  In my 2 week hiatus she turned a whole month old :) There is nothing exciting to write about that age except that she did sleep an entire night.  A whole 8 hours :) Of course it was on the one night the hubs was at home, showing him that I'm a big fat liar and do in fact get some sleep :/  Of course it hasn't happened since :)

Nugget girl is talking up a storm lately... she's always been verbal but it's gotten a lot better recently.  Yesterday she exclaimed from her seat "Mommy look I make a 2" holding up 2 fingers.. makes me smile with pride :)

Lastly Sugar Mama has been working so hard in Kindergarten that I just want to squeeze her.  I met with her teacher today and got a great review.. she's meeting all of her standards and exceeds in lots of areas. (beaming with pride)

So Today I am Thankful for: 

All the things I have to be thankful for, even in the midst of not knowing my own mind, or recognizing my own heart. 

2 comments:

  1. Please please please do not think that because you have not been having the "best" relationship with God is the reason you are dealing with this postpartum depression (PPD). He LOVES you! And you are over worked with three kids and a husband that is having to work all the time. Take it from me and fill that prescription! Do not let it continue to go on with out being treated. It will only get worse. You also have to give the meds a couple of weeks to really work but they will. And if that one doesn't another one will. Keep trying to find one that works for you. You will be amazed that once you feel better that you can take care of your kids and be the mom you want to be. You will also be the Christian Woman you strive to be. Because guess what you will have energy and motivation. Please don't think that you are being punished for taking care of your kids and just being in survival mode instead of working on your relationship with God. I think we go through different stages in our life with our relationship with Him and he understands. He understands we are human and that we go into this survival mode and that we will come back to him. But guess what? He is always there for you. No matter if you think it or not. He is there. Watching over you, your husband, and your babies!

    I hope that this doesn't come off as harsh. I really am not trying to be. I just feel your pain and your confusion. I was the same way. I never wanted to admit that I could actually have PPD and then it turned into a pretty deep depression. And I was totally not the person I wanted to be. I just want to encourage you not to let it go that far. The medicines are there for a reason. Our chemicals in our brain and body get messed up after having a baby. The medicines will help! Okay, again if you ever want to vent or get some unsolicited advice ;) you can e-mail me. I pray you feel better soon and find some clarity.

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  2. I didn't find it harsh at all, in fact you touched on a lot of things I was thinking but not saying, for instance, about not taking the medicine and it getting worse. I hope everyone understands that I don't feel like God is letting this happen, more that I don't want it to seem that I would rather seek out medicine to heal me than God..

    Thank you so much Kristen for your advice, I know we've never met, but it means so much that you would share your struggle with a mommy blogger :)

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