Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Who Will I Be...

In a matter of months I will turn 29...

For the longest time, 30 has seemed so far in the future that I've never given it a lot of attention.  I think 29 is going to be a long year :)

Almost 6 years ago I fought hard to be a stay at home mom.  The hubs was afraid what it would mean for our family because we had struggled living on only one income when I was pregnant with Sugar Mama.  But I was resentful when he said no.  I needed to stay at home with her because I was the only one who could properly care for her.

Six years down the road and over the past several weeks it has hit me between the eyes at what that decision really meant.  Disclaimer: I do not, nor will I ever, regret having stayed at home with my children.  I have simply marveled at the ability to literally watch them grow everyday.

Today as I poured milk into a bottle that I had manually pumped I was astounded to discover the level of achievement I felt at making a single bottle.  That is the culmination of my life right now... achievement measured in breast milk ounces.

I wonder, who will I be, 6 more years from now when I am 35... will I recognize who she is?  Will she still dread Monday's because it means laundry.. 6, 7, 8, loads of laundry that has to be washed, folded and put away (sigh)?  Will she still feel a new sense of awkwardness never met in adolescence in it's proper place, but now as an adult, looking a hot mess all the time, but making sure her daughters always look great?  Will she still consider the short time of getting a mani/pedi a break instead of the little pampering it should be considered?

Will I, Lively Situation, have some type of life that is measured outside of the other 4 members of Lively Situation?  I'm not sure... but I hope so.  I hope by then that I have a career to occupy the time, finally void, by the attendance of school by my children.  Where people will be appreciative of my attention to small details, recognize my accomplishments with praise that reflects solely my actions, and not a reflection of my family members.

Who Will I Be...

I continue to wonder...

2 comments:

  1. Isn't it sad when you feel like you have to add a disclaimer to a post because of the guilt you feel about even thinking or saying certain things? To be so afraid that for one second anyone might think that you are complaining and do not love what you do as much as you should...

    But I can so relate to you girl! Ive been a stay at home mom for almost 6 years now myself. I wanted NOTHING more than to be able to comfortably stay home and raise my babies. I consider myself so blessed to finally be able to do it and as HARD a job as it is I know the years are going to fly by so I cherish every single precious moment.

    But we aren't just Mom's. We can't help but think about this kind of stuff. It's hard not to get lost in the laundry, the diapers, the time outs, the toys and say "this is how I measure my life". These lives we are building, this home we are making, they are our accomplishments. And they are HUGE accomplishments, but they go un-thanked and un-noticed for years and years.

    Sometimes I find myself wishing I had a career. A job to go to where I use my brain. Where when i do something someone notices and says "thank you, good job!", somewhere where I get paid (gasp!) LOL. I went straight from high school to being married and then straight from that to being a military wife and helping my husband make a career for himself. Then we had our babies and now I'm a mommmy and it's how i define myself. How can we not define ourselves that way?

    Anyways, just wanted you to know you're not alone. :)

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  2. I certainly do not want anyone to think that I don't absolutely treasure the time I spend with my children, because just as you said, one day they will be gone and I will wish to remember each and every one of these days.

    But it is stifling to be constantly measured by people who aren't you. Sometimes I want to be the one to bring home the pay check, or get the reward of a job well done that doesn't reflect my role in my children's lives. I do get lost it in and now, in this moment, I have the strangest sense of urgency to work, do something and then I think I AM doing something.. I making 3 beautiful, productive, smart, kind girls... and then it seems all right with the world :)

    BUT above all else, thanks for letting me know I am not alone!!

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