Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Letting Go..


Warning: I am crying now, and will continue through this entire post

This is my baby brother and his family.  Today he left to go to basic training for the army.  I am incredibly spent right now from sobbing all day long.  This day has been circled on my mental calendar for a long time.  I've known it was coming and yet pushed it as far away as I could, until today when I was forced to accept it.

We are 5 years apart.. I have the twin and him, that's it.  We've been BFF's for as long as I can remember.  When he went to NY to live about 4 years ago I was devastated... I sobbed just as hard then, but he came back to me a short time later.  I do not get to see him as often as I would like because we both have families and he lives about 45 minutes away, but the possibility has always been there, until today.  

I did not go and watch him get on that bus, because I am a coward.  See I've been here before.  I know exactly what it's like to watch someone get on that plane, not knowing when you will get to see them again.  Knowing that many months will go by before you get to see them again, and when you do see them the joy is soon overshadowed by the dread of having to watch them leave again..  I know what it's like to watch the news of war torn countries and wonder where my loved one is on this day.  I didn't watch him get on that bus today because I just couldn't.  The husband tried to talk me into going.. and I refused.  Today, I regret that decision.  Tomorrow I probably will not, but today I wish I would have stood there and let him know I could do that for him.

I've been watching the clock all day, and I finally texted the twin to ask her if he was gone.  He wasn't, he was standing with Mama J, so I texted that I loved him so much and would miss him more than I could say, and broke down.  I am sad, sad that I won't see him for a long time.  Angry because I feel like he has a new life without me, and that just doesn't sit well with me.  And quite frankly I'm scared.  I've thought all day about whether or not they will be mean to him (I'm sure they will, it's their job), if he'll be too tired and get in trouble, if he'll get enough to eat.  If there will be moments when he's lonely and wishes we could be with him.

As his older sister it has always been my job to look out for him, but really we've looked out for each other.  When I married the Husband, he walked me down the aisle.. and today I had to let him go and live his own life, in a place that is far away from me.  

Today I am Thankful for: 

A Quiet place to simply let the tears fall.  I miss him already, and I am certain it will get worse from here.  Hopefully there will be many quiet places in the future. 

2 comments:

  1. Aww girl, it will be ok. I went through this when Russel joined the Air Force 9 years ago and i know how emotionally and physically draining it is. I can still remember dropping him off when he left in the morning and not staying because I didn't want him to see me cry, and regretting it so bad. But we made it through and I probably cried my way through it, knowing me, lol. The time flew by and we drove to Texas to see him graduate then I had to leave him again and my heart broke all over. To say that I sobbed hysterically all the way from TX to GA would be pretty accurate. But basic training is NOTHING compared to things he will do in his career. It's new and it's hard and they are hard on them, but they are strong and they make it through. And i know that doesn't help and probably isn't what you need to hear right now, but...it's all part of having someone you love in the military. It's SCARY, the knowing, and the what if's. Just write to him everyday and let him know how much you love and support him. That's the most important thing you can do!

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  2. Aww, I just cried all over again :) My dad was in the military for most of my life, but this is really different for me. I'm much closer to my brother than I was my dad, as bad as that sounds, and it's much different as an adult. I'm counting down the days until graduation, but after I see him for those couple of days he heads off to school for 4 months.. depressing thought of the day... I just think that 6 years is such a long time, so long that my oldest daughter will be 12 should he decide not to re-enlist... I had no idea that you had been through that, and thank you for sharing your experience. Believe it or not it does help to know someone else has been there and came out on the other side okay :)

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