Warning: I am crying now, and will continue through this entire post
This is my baby brother and his family. Today he left to go to basic training for the army. I am incredibly spent right now from sobbing all day long. This day has been circled on my mental calendar for a long time. I've known it was coming and yet pushed it as far away as I could, until today when I was forced to accept it.
We are 5 years apart.. I have the twin and him, that's it. We've been BFF's for as long as I can remember. When he went to NY to live about 4 years ago I was devastated... I sobbed just as hard then, but he came back to me a short time later. I do not get to see him as often as I would like because we both have families and he lives about 45 minutes away, but the possibility has always been there, until today.
I did not go and watch him get on that bus, because I am a coward. See I've been here before. I know exactly what it's like to watch someone get on that plane, not knowing when you will get to see them again. Knowing that many months will go by before you get to see them again, and when you do see them the joy is soon overshadowed by the dread of having to watch them leave again.. I know what it's like to watch the news of war torn countries and wonder where my loved one is on this day. I didn't watch him get on that bus today because I just couldn't. The husband tried to talk me into going.. and I refused. Today, I regret that decision. Tomorrow I probably will not, but today I wish I would have stood there and let him know I could do that for him.
I've been watching the clock all day, and I finally texted the twin to ask her if he was gone. He wasn't, he was standing with Mama J, so I texted that I loved him so much and would miss him more than I could say, and broke down. I am sad, sad that I won't see him for a long time. Angry because I feel like he has a new life without me, and that just doesn't sit well with me. And quite frankly I'm scared. I've thought all day about whether or not they will be mean to him (I'm sure they will, it's their job), if he'll be too tired and get in trouble, if he'll get enough to eat. If there will be moments when he's lonely and wishes we could be with him.
As his older sister it has always been my job to look out for him, but really we've looked out for each other. When I married the Husband, he walked me down the aisle.. and today I had to let him go and live his own life, in a place that is far away from me.
Today I am Thankful for:
A Quiet place to simply let the tears fall. I miss him already, and I am certain it will get worse from here. Hopefully there will be many quiet places in the future.