Wednesday, October 19, 2011

There is no I in teeth...

It's true.. there is no I in teeth, unless of course you are talking about I-teeth :) Which is what sweetest smallest girl is cutting right now.  She is always so happy and fun, that the complete turn around of a new clingy, cranky baby worries me just a little.

No sleep for the past 3 nights mixed with crazy weather and it's a little bananas around here.

I have pictures to share from our visit to the farm, but I cannot get to them right now from holding this butterball turkey all the time.  But it was a wonderful trip where Nugget girl had a blast and I had a small sad moment where I remembered when she was just a baby tagging along on the field trips with Sugar Mama.  How does the time go so fast?

She is the same child who sees that a pack of candy has been opened by someone else, and decides, obviously that means she can have some, and eats a piece.  Or who thinks that the containers at target that sell candy by the pound means they allow samples.

The little girl who REFUSES to participate in yellow day, or dress like a farmer day, or please wear anything besides jeans and a t-shirt day... shopping and/or dressing her is frustrating.  She will only wear one pair of shoes, jeans and shirts with princesses, tinkerbell, or toy story characters on them...

But I. Love. That. Girl!!  She is hilarious.

Sugar Mama made me incredibly proud with her report card and teacher conference.  I see so much of myself in here that it makes me want to tweak her personality just a little.  She will love school for the learning and the socializing but will also take it at seriously as it can be taken with such a tender little heart.  She is spectacular.  

Our smallest girl?  Well besides those blasted teeth she is crawling now, and all in the same day started to give five, raise her hands when you reach to pick her up and pull-up... she's been clingy for the past couple of days but she's moving more and more.  3 more months and I'll be planning a first birthday.. talk about quick.

Today I am Thankful for: 

Everything else in life will keep, but my children will only be this small for a short time.  Thank you Lord for time to spend with them and watch them grow.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

When The Answer is No...

Have you ever prayed really hard for something?  I mean really hard.. so much that you were almost willing it to happen?

About 4 1/2 years ago I did just that.  My step-dad was diagnosed with Melanoma, and it has about a 5% chance of survival.  I prayed relentlessly because I could see, first hand, the destruction it was leaving in it's wake.  Mama J was tired, defeated, and hurting.  I wanted so badly for my step-dad to be in that 5% so they could walk away from that terrible disease.

God answered that prayer.. and not with a no, but with a not here.  I prayed for a healing, and in the end I got one.. he was just healed in the only true place for healings.. in God's presence. 

For the past 3 weeks I have been awaiting word on my application to the nursing program.

I submitted it back in September before we left for Disney and I had not heard word back as of last week.  I began to do a little researching on the internet to see if I could find any information, and I did.  Rejection letters had already gone out (and I didn't get one) and nursing school faculty would be calling to schedule interviews.

For 3 days I slap worried myself sick over my phone ringing.  I did not move without it within reaching distance.  Finally after feeling as though I would have to crawl out of my skin, I found out that the answer was no.

I have been working/praying for this for 3 1/2 years.  There have been moments (lots of them) when I wanted to throw my hands up and say ENOUGH!  But I kept going... and the answer was no.

I just barely did not make it into the top 70.

I was/am devastated.  This has been my goal, and now I sit here without a definitive one.

I tried to move on from that moment and regain my footing and quite frankly what I want to really do is crawl into a hole and be by myself for a while.  Just a little time to grieve this moment in my life, but nothing is ever that simple.

For several days now I've opened my eyes and wondered "Where do I go from here?"

The truth is I do not know.  In my bible study with women I absolutely adore I broke down.  Someone asked me about whether I had heard or not and once it started I couldn't stop it.  I am broken, lost, and standing still.

But the beauty of this story is that through one of the most humbling experiences of my life it was reaffirmed that I'm not the only one.  Everyone goes through seasons in life where they are sad, lost, and a little angry.  These women listened to me, from the most vulnerable place I possess, and gave me a piece of myself back.

See we pray for things and whether we acknowledge it or not, God always answers.  But sometimes the answer is no.  I cannot understand or explain why the answer was no.  I cannot even tell you that I now have a huge life changing goal in mind.  Exactly the opposite is true, in fact.  I stand in a place that I have never been before.

But perhaps that why I'm standing there.  I think I'm broken, lost and angry, because God is telling me just to stand still for a minute.  In my lost, vulnerable, very sad place, just stand still and listen to what he has to tell me.  For out of great sorrow, can come great joy.

I  have other options that I can explore, and after this period of standing still I will look into them all, but for now I'm going to take refuge in this place because I know he has something to tell me... I just have to stand still, wait and listen.

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness.  we do not now what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.  Romans 8:26

When I am so broken that I cannot pray, my Spirit prays from my heart with feelings that my words cannot express.